I was in a meeting in which a project manager brought up a
topic that had been discussed in two previous meetings. I didn’t want to take
the time to discuss the topic in this specific meeting, as a result, I closed
down the conversation by stating that we were not going to be covering that topic,
that it had been discussed previously and a decision had been reached, shared
the decision, and asked that we move forward onto the reason for the meeting.
There was silence and so we moved forward. I received a phone call the next day
from the project manager informing me that the interaction in that meeting had
made them feel diminished, that I had come across as dismissive. Does their statement
make it their perception true? Of course not, that simply meant it was true for
them. My perception was quite different. Are either of us right or wrong? No, there
is no right or wrong in this situation. It is a matter of perception and
interpretation.
Last week you gathered a list of habits that you have
developed over time. You marked each habit with a W (working) or a DW (doesn’t
work). The list includes things we do (like brushing our teeth) and reactions
we have to people, places and things (like honking when someone pulls out in front
of us), what I call life circumstances. The purpose for writing down these habits
and reactions is to cultivate awareness of your current habits and habitual reactions.
Awareness can be compared to knowing your current location on a map. Knowing
where you are and having a vision for where you choose to go allows you the
opportunity to map a course, to choose a path. Awareness allows you to build your
tomorrow through practicing new ways of doing things, new behaviors, and new responses
to your circumstances.
Personal assessment of what works and what doesn’t work is
important. It provides you an opportunity to see how true your evaluation is
through asking others their perception. Like asking someone where you are on a
map. Without validation/verification from sources outside of yourself you may
be off with where you are on a map which could result in directions that lead
you away from where you want to go. Awareness will come when you receive
feedback from others. Discussing your list with a trusted individual to gain
awareness of how others perceive you is a critical component to growth. Feedback
of what is working and what isn’t working is a gift. When your perception doesn’t
align with how you are perceived in the world then your growth will take you in
a direction that may not gain the results you are seeking. Have someone who
knows you go through your list and mark each habit with a W or a DW to confirm
what you perceive and how you interpret your reactions or responses to
circumstances. Gathering feedback from multiple sources will provide additional
clarity which is like triangulating your position on a map. The more sources,
the clearer your position.
How could I have handled the feedback I received from the project
manager? I could reach out to others in the meeting and ask for their experience
of what worked or didn’t work. Hearing feedback from others as a part of other
meetings would also support me in understanding if I have a tendency to come
across as dismissive. Hearing it once from one person without hearing it from
others would indicate that it may have been their experience but others don’t
share the same view. The more feedback I can obtain the clearer the information
on how others experience me in meetings. If I only hear it from one person it
may not be me. If I hear it from multiple sources it may mean I get to look at
my reaction and find a different way to handle similar situations.
There are a couple of sayings I’ve heard over the years that
feed into this idea of feedback and behaviors. First, if I hear I’m an ass from
one person it may not mean anything, if I hear it from multiple people I may
want to get a saddle. Second, the way I do one thing is the way I do everything
meaning, if I show up as dismissive in a meeting, then I may show up dismissive
in other relationships which is a very good reason to look at that behavior or habitual
response.
Why all this energy on interpretation and perception? One of
the things that has become clear to me is that everything we say we state as if
it is THE truth. We tend to forget to notice that what we are really saying is
OUR truth. My description of my hand when I’m looking at the back of my hand is
different than my description of the front of my hand and yet both are
descriptions of my hand. The difference is perspective. Both descriptions are
my truth in that moment. It isn’t right or wrong, it is my truth in that
moment. Perspective and interpretation belong to the person doing the perceiving
and interpreting. So when I receive feedback it isn’t true. It is one persons
truth in one moment. The importance of this is immense. Feedback is neutral, we
have the opportunity to examine it and try it on and determine whether it is
true for us or not. If the same feedback comes from multiple sources, we probably
ought to spend some time on determining whether a different habit, behavior or
response is needed. One other thought, just because a majority find something
that you are saying, doing or being is not normal and needs to fit a specific
mold doesn’t mean you should change in anyway. If Galileo, Newton, Copernicus or
other outrageous thinkers had changed their belief or what they were stating in
their lifetime, our world would be quite different.
Now that we have a healthy list and multiple points of
feedback, how do we decide where to start in taking a look at the habits and behaviors
we have built up over the years? Where do we start in finding the ways of
behaving and healthy habits that elevate our performance, our career and our
personal relationships? What work is the most important to start on to make a
difference? What do other authors and teachers suggest? Two things are clear,
start small and don’t do it alone.
